Hahaha. I was laughing so loud at 2:30am my housemate came and shut my door before I realized I was so noisy. Stephen Fry is da man.

I think any guy can attest to what this song is talking about, the fact that all women stare at our family juelz when they checking us out.

I’ll admit I had no idea what this movie was about when I queued it. I just went by the fact that it had a famous director, Aki Kaurismaki and a ridiculous title. Turns out I wasn’t going to be disappointed. Leningrad Cowboys Go America is one helluva hoot. The story starts somewhere in mother Russia or some random Eastern European locale where the Leningrad Cowboys are auditioning for a music producer. He turns them down on account of the fact that their folky pop wasn’t commercial enough, but sends them to his cousin in America, where they’ll “take any crap”. So guided by the selfish svengali of a manager they have, the band heads to the US & A.

It’s essentially a road movie that has a bit of a political slant to it. Given that it came out in ‘89, you realise much of the film satirizes the Cold War and the stereotypes of life under Communism and Democracy. But don’t bother about that nonsense. The film is funny in and of itself. From the first moment I set eyes on the Cowboys, I knew this was gonna be good. Must be something to do with the uber exaggerated Elvis pomps they wear on their heads or maybe their foot (as in the measurement) long pointy shoes.

Upon arriving in Nueva York, they audition again only to learn that the musical style the people like in America is something called rock n roll. The brilliant, if ruthless, manager realises they need to adapt to survive and asks the band “Have you ever heard of rock and roll?” “No”, the band reply. “Study this book.” is the sagely advice from the manager. From there, they head South towards Mexico where another cousin has a wedding lined up, adapting their music along the way, from rock and roll to country to mariachi.

They get into plenty of hijinks and I’ve forgotten to mention that they also brought along their frozen stiff bassist (he died practicing outdoors the night before their big audition back home) along for the trip. They strap him to the top of a car they buy from Jim Jarmusch in a cameo role and the manager even uses the coffin to store Budweisers. They also get into jail at one point where they get out by doing a blue man group impersonation. Released presumably because they were too annoying, as evidenced by the fact that the warden was wearing ear muffs when he let them go, asking them never to come back.

Throughout all this, the band is almost completely deadpan, which adds to the hilarity because how is it possible that grown men wearing fake wigs and silly shoes and zoot suits could keep straight faces when they have to reminisce about former loves, like tractors in the old farm or sing songs about the times when they were farmers on a collective.

I am very much inclined, at this point, to check out Aki Kaurismaki a whole lot more. Even if I know that this film is a departure from his usual thing. Or maybe I should start with the sequel to this film, also by Kaurismaki, Leningrad Cowboys meet Moses. Or maybe the band itself.

You wouldn’t normally associate films where cannibalism is the central focus to be funny. But Delicatessen is. Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro, it was first released in 1991 and promptly won some Cesars among some other things.

The setting is a strange post apocalyptic random French locale, where there’s hardly any food and people trade in legumes. One distinct group of survivors forms the main subject. They live in an apartment block and look pretty normal for the most part. As the film progresses, we learn more and more about each one’s idiosyncrasies. The leader of the apartment is the butcher, who’s a fatass that commands respect because he sets a system in place that keeps everyone in the building alive. This system is basically attracting newcomers on the pretence of employment, only for the butcher to find some way to murder them and sell the meat off to the tenants.

The main plot revolves around the latest arrival, a former clown who is naive but cheerful. He starts out as the handyman for the place but begins to form a romance with the butcher’s daughter. We also learn about all these other characters. Like a rich man whose wife keeps trying to kill herself because she thinks she’s crazy. Apparently she’s hearing voices, which come from downstairs, which is where two guys make these things that make the sound of sheep. There’s also an old guy who lives in a room that’s perpetually flooded and filled with frogs and snails and a chunky but really hot mistress of the butcher.

One famous scene has the butcher making love to his mistress on a squeaky bed and everyone else in the apartment doing stuff, with the rhythmic sounds coming together, figuratively and literally. They start slow but get progressively more into each task, (be it cello playing, painting the ceiling, pumping a tire or getting hot and heavy) increasing in gusto until the butcher climaxes and everyone else has a mishap. In fact, a lot of the film feels like a musical. It’s almost like the cutscene in Band of Outsiders where they just get up and dance in the cafe, only here, it’s a cello accompanying a “musical saw” like what you see below.

I loved how there’s a lot of interesting details to the film, the saturated orangey brown filter the majority of the film uses grants it a very unique look. The mise en scene is filled with gritty, drippy, old timey, crusty, dusty stuff that lends a definite richness to the visuals which gets a contrast with the 50s France decor in the interiors and clothes. Then there’s the idea of survival in the film and how we try to keep up appearances. The people in the apartment all try to live normal lives, behaving mostly normal except when they get hungry and reveal their more savage natures. Contrasting this is another group living outside the apartment, the Troglodistes. These guys are vegetarians and live underground in a pseudo militaristic manner. They dress like each other, in wetsuits with hardhats and lamps, rubber boots and stuff. It’s pretty awesomely hilarious. They seem to accept that they need to adapt to survive rather than bluff themselves like the surface dwellers seem to. Whilst the premise of the imaginary world the film presents may not make complete sense, it’s a superb setting for the weirdo characters. We get to see these really strange people in their natural habitat, trying to stave off starvation and living on as it were.

So many scenes were absolutely memorable but the one below really takes the cake for me. The visuals and the comic timing is superb and whilst some bits felt like cramming weirdness to justify entertainment, it was interesting nonetheless. Overall, Delicatessen has to be one fine film, a must watch.

I love Woody Allen’s glasses. Watching Annie Hall and I’m actually not quite done, I’m at the ending but I don’t really wanna find out what happens cos its kinda sad and all that and so I thought I’d just spew some nonsense here instead. I guess I emphathize with Alvy, the lead character in the film, who is cynic central basically. “Neurotic comedian” is his official description and as he puts it, he has a very depressing view on life. People are sorted into 2 categories. The horrible, like the cripples and the blind etc and the miserable, which is everybody else, so be thankful you’re only miserable.

God, I only wish I had half an intellect like Alvy’s. The entire film is smacked with the most caustic lines ever and Alvy can say the meanest shit ever and I wish I’d said all that. The flipside is I also realise I don’t really wanna be Alvy and live on an island (or as my friends call it, a castle) and be neurotic and mean and cynical and hate the world but still live in it and rattle on and on and on without proper punctuation or whatever. Not even gonna comment on the love interest bit of the film. That bit’s just sad. Cos at least Alvy went around and did his thing with a buncha floozies. Me, I’m stuck at home Sunday night typing shit in a computer trying to relate myself to a character which is something my ex-girlfriend used to always chide me about for being predictable and of course it seems pathetic and useless and amateurish but hey, the movie was great.

The film’s really brilliant I have to say. It’s probably the best comedy I’ve ever seen in my life. Not because I idolize neurotic, cynical, self-absorbed, egocentric, pseudo intellectual personalities. That’s besides the point. It’s a triumph in comedy and film. Not least because it feels intensely personal, regardless of whether or not the film is semi-autobiographical or otherwise. Alvy constantly breaks the fourth wall, asking random people on the street about love whilst addressing the audience. This helps the viewer digest all that the character’s struggling with and how we sometimes wish we could just take people aside in a time freeze and resolve issues that would otherwise be left dormant. Or in another scene, we’re transplanted into an animated fantasy where Alvy is having a lover’s tiff with the evil witch from Snow White cos everyone fell for Snow White, but he fell for the evil witch first. It’s hella cerebral on the one hand but just damn funny and it removes every and any inch of cheesiness from romance.

One particular I scene I remember is when Alvy meets Annie and they go out and Alvy stops on the street and asks “Hey listen, gimme a kiss.” Annie asks back, “Really?”. To which Alvy’s reply is, “Yeah, why not, because we’re just gonna go home later, right, and then there’s gonna be all that tension, we’ve never kissed before and I’ll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we’ll kiss now and get it over with, and then we’ll go eat. We’ll digest our food better.”

The lines make the film. From trash talking about LA being clean cos the garbage gets turned into telly or that masturbation is sex with someone you love, it is god mode incisive.

The clip above has Alvy in line with Annie with one helluva dickhead behind him trash talking Fellini, talking about Weltanschauung and shit and just watch how Alvy resolves this in fantasy phase. Just brilliant on so many levels.

At the request of some friends, I downloaded the Detroit Metal City live action movie so we could all watch it together. I still haven’t. But I’ve been itching to find out more after they keep talking about it. So I went and downloaded the OVA that spawned it.

DMC is about a nice kid from the countryside, Negishi, who dreams of playing lovely pop music inspired by acts like Kahimi Karie or Fishmans. So he leaves the country for big city Tokyo. However, he ends up in a band that’s pretty much the opposite of his ideal, a death metal band called Detroit Metal City. In it, he puts on makeup and changes from his nerdy self into Krauser II. His rabid fans shower him with made up adulation, like the fact that he raped and killed his parents when he was a kid or that he’s the demon king from hell. Poor Negi-kun just wants to be a folksy, bowl haired, BEAMS wearing dude who goes to trend cafes. But he’s got a job to do and he’s good at it. When Negi gets in character, there’s no stopping him and Krauser II takes over, ordering people around and generally behaving like the demon lead singer for a death metal outfit should.

Conflicts with his own personal desires, be they material or romantic, arise. Negi never wanted to be singing about killing babies or raping bitches. Yet, you can’t deny there’s a certain attraction to being in the limelight, whether as some wanky indie-pop scenesters or axe wielding goths and Negi pretty much goes with what opportunities present themselves.

I love how the Japanese can take any piece of pop culture, extract the vital elements and re-present them in a way that’s absurd and silly. The parody on both indie pop and death metal is hilarious. On stage, Negi performs with 2 friends. Jagi is the bassist, who’s determined to make DMC big. Camus is the drummer, a fat dude that’s always muttering pervy shiz. They’re joined by a prop actor, the Capitalist Pig, who’s a masochistic, middle-aged convenience store clerk in real life. Behind them is Death Records’ president, one hella crazy bitch who goes on about her cunt getting wet when she hears metal. The songs involve ridiculous lyrics about killing parents, rape and more rape. One of Krauser’s most famous lines is his 10 rapes in 1 second. His outrageous performances coupled with his bumbling self somehow result in hilarious events perpetuating the myth that a simple guy is a blood obsessed serial rapist/murderer.

On the flipside, Negi’s constant penchant for cheesy as hell pop songs (the lyric has even got cheese tart in it) is annoying. I like Kahimi Karie as much as the next person but he’s like the ultimate in empty indie trend following. It’s real cutesy stuff though, from talking about Daikanyama or going to trend cafes and living the ultimate indie lifestyle. Which is hella materialistic if you ask me! He dreams that he’ll make it big and he tries but nobody really cares. Yet, once he puts the makeup on and becomes Krauser II, everything seems to work. He doesn’t want to be the king of death metal but it seems he will anyway!

DMC’s a real funny anime that looks at the multiplicity of people. How we behave one way in public but wish we could be something else in real life. It also removes any and all seriousness whichever music genre you subscribe to and just how camp it is to be “following” a trend, be it punk/gansta rap/metal/indie. I guess, we can’t always choose what we want and we’ve got to take what’s in front of us sometimes and in the end, maybe what we do end up with is even better than what we wished for. It’s like Kiss reborn in parody. Which is better in my books! I bet Ozzy didn’t rape or kill his parents! Krauser rocks! \m/

The intro offers a peek. Rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape rape!

I have a newfound love for death metal now lol.

Wikus van der Merwe wears a knit vest over a shirt and tie. An identity card hangs from a clip and he’s in his office cubicle giving an awkward interview.  He’s just been appointed head of the new operation to serve eviction notices to the illegal aliens living in District 9, a shantytown just outside Johannesburg. He’s a slightly bumbling nerdish type, soft and uncomfortable with the camera, basically what’d you’d call unassuming. Yet what’s strange is that the aliens, or “prawns”, as the locals call them, are real aliens. Like from another planet.

District 9 is produced by Peter Jackson and helmed by Neill Blomkamp, starring Sharlto Copley in the lead role. It’s a film that manages to mash multiple genres, political thriller, race relations, sci fi action and mockumentary into one absolutely silly yet completely workable idea. It’s funny and takes things out of context so you feel its ok to laugh at it all. The film is shot handheld, war documentary style but there’s also scenes of fake interviews spliced together with archival footage of the real world.

You get introduced to Wikus in bits and bobs. For the first half hour, you’re not really sure what’s going to happen. You’re even quizzical at the mention of the aliens and the mothership hovering over Johannesburg. It sounds absurdist and surreal. Cos the aliens haven’t come to invade. They’ve somehow lost control of their craft and were discovered severly malnourished within. The South African government builds a slum to house them. It’s not running like a typical sci-fi, more like a satirical racial thriller instead with aliens and humans standing in for some pseudo apartheid. Mix in alien weapons and a Nigerian warlord controlling the slum for good measure and heighten the intrigue.

The action starts going for real when Wikus gets exposed to an alien substance, extracted over 20 years by Christopher Johnson, the ridiculously named alien. Wikus starts vomiting violently and appears to be bleeding black. Soon, we learn he’s turning into an alien, a prawn. He’s now the only person in the world who can use the powerful alien weaponry, which starts to entice human greed when he gets discovered. From there he goes from medical experiment to fugitive and finally, hero.

It’s such a wonderful little film that lives right on the edge of a surrealist plot. The mockumentary style really makes it so strange yet compelling. Also, there’s the awesome South African accent that gives the film a certain newness. Definitely a must watch and I hope they make a sequel. Another interesting thing is that the film is based on a short by Blomkamp and only came into being after the Halo movie was scrapped. Which, to me, was a blessing in disguise.

I iZ oN pHAiZZZzZZbuUuKKkK!!1111!!!1 (at last) U iZ cAn C mY iZ p1cpo5tings lololLoL!

warnign! iz NSFW sum tings. butt iz laffing or mega goosebumpps! or pukingz!!!!!! mak su re y iz 2 not b eat fud or drin king sum juuz wen c pixorz!11

/sUmMuN KiNG oF PoPcOrN

In the latest footie news, Micheal Owen has broken his wrist in 3 places after signing for Manchester United. The former Liverpool, Real Madrid and Newcastle striker was as stunned as anyone when United manager Sir Alex Ferguson called him out of the blue. Having been linked with Hull and Stoke prior to the call, Owen looked set to retire and concentrate on horse racing instead. However, that’s all set to change now, as he looks to continue his brilliant form on the treatment table, this time in the red, white and black of the red devils.

In the ceremony where he was handed the number 7 jersey vacated by Cristiano Ronaldo, the elated Owen reportedly gripped the pen with a little too much force and slipped, tearing into the contract, whilst dislocating and fracturing his wrist. This latest injury setback is expected to put the dimunitive England hitman out of action until the next club comes along.

Sir Alex was unavailable for comment, although Owen Hargreaves was very excited to “have some company at last”.

I just caught this awesome sauce brovie. Which is a bro-movie of course, like a chick flick but laughs instead of tears n swooning. Guffaws really. It’s called The Hangover and it’s directed by Todd Phillips.

3 guys and their best bud who’s getting married decide to go to Vegas for a bachelor party. Only they wake up the day after totally hungover and the groom has disappeared. There’s also a couch that’s still smoking, trashed tvs, a baby in the closet and a tiger in the bathroom. From there, they try to retrace their steps and find their friend, hopefully before the wedding in LA starts.

It’s this slow reveal that helps the story chug along, with gags galore involving a lost tooth and date rape pills among other things. Like learning that the tiger belonged to Mike Tyson. Or that they traded their Mercedes for a police patrol car. Or that one of the guys got married to a stripper (Heather Graham looking resplendent as usual).

The show stopper for me was Ken Jeong’s character, a short little Asian guy who pops out of a car trunk naked before proceeding to beat the shit out of the 3 protagonists. The title for this post comes from the man himself and was my personal highlight in the film. You don’t get to see him in the trailer but that’s good cos you should watch it in the cinema. Trust.