I was at work the other day when, hounded by a certain Hitler, I harried to move this fridge around the place for maintenance. All I really needed to do was lift the damn thing up marginally, like a couple of cm or 5 cos the damn wheels were too small. Unfortunately, it came down a little too quick for whatever reason and before I knew it, pain and bright crimson starting lining the edge of my right thumb. A split second later, my left hand clutches and squeezes to try to stop the bleeding.

Whether it was my awkward positioning or simply the sheer bulk and size of the massive fridge being difficult to handle, I can’t say for sure. All I know is, I’d gotten hurt and it was pretty bad. It was a pretty deep cut and how it happened exactly, I have scant idea. After a barrage of expletives, I could see that the top part of my thumb with the nail had split apart from the bottom half, but only at the top end. So it was probably like 1.5 to 2 cm deep. I would later learn from a doctor (who “just can’t resist hand injuries”) that I avulsed my thumb.

So I get help bandaging the thumb up, and ride down to the hospital, which was nearby. I register at the desk and wait, having to fill in a form with a slight bit of disdain peppered with politeness and humor. I just seemed to want to laugh it off and get on with things. The hospital made me wait for something like half an hour before an intern came over to check out the bleeding. I needed an x-ray before they could proceed. At this point, more waiting for an hour or so. In between, the hand fetish doctor came over and checked me out, before dishing out some calm advice to the very luscious intern who was in charge of me. I get the x-ray done and bam, the very tip of my thumb had fractured. Which meant I needed antibiotics but because it was so small, I didn’t really require surgery.

Instead, I got stuffed with a numbing agent (after another hour or so) and stared at my thumb as said hot intern/doctor threaded some blue sutures into my flesh which I barely felt. Blood oozed everywhere, staining this absorbent sheet below and then I got bandaged up with a thumb guard and given 2 weeks off work. I swear I bled more because I had some boobage dangling at me. That and the not wanting to hurt me but wincing as she pulled a needle through my flesh kind of innocence.

Hurting my thumb made ordinary life fucking painful. I mean, the thumb didn’t hurt much if at all, even right after the injury but the number of things that now became so troublesome was immense. I never realized how much I used my thumbs until now. Opening doors, twisting caps off drink bottles, pressing the side buttons on my mighty mouse, holding utensils and cutlery… The list seemed endless. Try wiping your nose with your non dominant hand. Or using one hand to shampoo your hair. Or soaping the left armpit with the right forearm. And keys, motherfucking keys. Opening doors is like horrible.

Without thumbs, we wouldn’t have been able to use and invent tools. Without thumbs, we’d be resigned to pawing and biting at food, probably raw and I don’t mean Charlie Trotter or Japanese. Without thumbs, we wouldn’t be able to show our approval, or hitchhike, or suck. This shit is precious man. Treasure your thumbs ladies and gents. I swear you’ll feel like you devolved without them. I certainly did.