So the other day, I had this revelation. The answer to world hunger. Y’know, world hunger, which is a serious issue cos like beauty pageants and shit. Anyway, world hunger, the solution to. Was staring me in the face. Literally. Well, I mean, I was satisfying my own personal hunger with a Quarterpounder™ when it hit me and my stomach too but nevermind that. I forgot about my hunger. I was filled with a vision, of a world where there’s no more hungry people, only an ever escalating population of human beings that haven’t countenanced the idea of contraception and casual sex going together. A world where you’d be fed by a centralised agency that would provide the right nutrition at low/no cost globally and efficiently. Now, at this point, I just want to address the white elephant in the room which is limited space on planet earth and not enough room to grow food for a race that keeps making babies by accident because sexual impulse. Let’s just forget that little detail and dream.

Mickey D’s is the fucking answer and it has already assumed the mantle without activists and Jamie Oliver and Dan Barber talking shit bout shit in a feelgood TEDX. McNuggets yo. Filet’O’Fish. Big Mac. Soft Serve. Apple Pie. Yadda yadda. Of course, the system isn’t perfect and there’s that obesity side effect and stuff but it runs parallel with capitalism and democracy, imperfect and flawed but it’s a best of worst sitch. It has worked itself out from a singular, tiny little business to a monster that makes kids addicted to toys, reprocessed chicken offcuts into tastiness but then had to revert on that because health scare and not to mention “Create Your Taste”. A behemoth surely.

But imagine if you will, a consortium of chefs, moneymen, nutritionists, agriculturalists etc etc that came together to run macca’s. Would it be better than what it is today? Would it be more evil? Would they sell out even more and sell flavoured lab beef and all GMO everything? (Not that that’s necessarily bad… so long as you’re not dealing with first world problems like taste and good nutrition, moreso just… survival…) Let’s just assume this allstar selection were all able to devote time effort and money and agree on shit and have “morality” and conscience”. Could they make us all mostly, reasonably satisfied? What would meals be like in 2115? What would be the experience of consuming said meal? Is it a pill out of a dispenser? Is it a hearty lab grown nutrition stack with your extended family around the table? Is it 500 bites served on balloons and stardust with matching wines made of reconstituted Romanee-Conti? Is it simply fed intravenously ala The Matrix? Or will we transcend the need to “eat” and simply photosynthesise after DNA splicing a plant into our bodies? No I propose that it will be like eating a burger.

I’m clearly biased. This shit is since 1980 when moms shut me up with 2 McChickens. The other day, I mentioned my admiration for big M to a co-worker who then mentioned that I was the first chef he knew who liked McD’s. My head chef answered for me thusly, “What the fuck? Either you don’t know many chefs or the ones you know are all lying/pretentious fucks.”. Look, if you have a global company running franchises that have to source the ingredients by region but try as much as possible to adhere to a singular standard and maintain food costs, labour (hire kids and old people!) and also try to adjust for local tastes etc is hard enough. And yet, McDonald’s only serves just 1% of the earth’s population. Still, it is a gargantuan task and somehow, it runs.

For all your Redzepi / Wholefoods shit, you aren’t even close to touching that number. 1% is like 60 or 70 million people.  On a daily basis. Nobody son. Not even close. That docket rail full of shit? Not even close. The “empire” Nobu has? Not even close. Subway do a third of McD’s sales in the US. Burger King, Wendy’s, Starbucks and Taco Bell aren’t too far behind. Add all of everything else, KFC, Pizza Hut, Domino’s etc and you see what I’m getting at?

Now consider if you were Ronald McDonald himself. What would Ronnie Mac do? WWRMD? Would you be able to keep shit afloat and open even more that the 30K+ restaurants globally? Would you make it 3 million and hire a significant number of the global population and consider making healthy, sustainable food? Would you aggressively grow the company to such a state whereby you have the power of Google and the people would depend on your intrinsic benevolence? Would you buyout KFC and BK and Starbucks and call it all MFC, MK, McBucks? Sell MaccaFrappachinos? Would you also solve the petty geosociopolitical crises that engulf humanity and thereby solve everything else in one fell swoop?

The system for solving world hunger is already sort of in place. There are many many of these “fast food” places which serve people on a daily basis, cheaply and efficiently. Fuck dat “slow food” elitist gourmet snobbery bullshit. If, as a beauty queen, your winning answer is “I would like to solve world hunger”, you need to swallow some concrete and harden the fuck up. This isn’t a job for pussying out with 56 hour lamb shanks in centrifuged whey. This is about making edible, cheap, nutrition that isn’t some bullshit Soylent shit. You can’t survive for long with that crap, your morale would be shot. You gotta at least have something to pull you, that looks edible, tastes almost acceptable but again, it’s gotta be cheap and sustainable. This is a big fucking ask and something we as a race will actually have to countenance when global warming eats up so much farm worthy land that we’ll already have cities of hydroponics towers. I’m saying that Interstellar the movie dystopia isn’t all that far fetched.

So then I watched Coming To America and forgot about the whimsical idea of trying to “save planet earth” and decided that I will open a conglomerate called Whackdonnell’s. We’ll have the golden bowls, a golden W logo made out like fucking rice bowls. We’ll also have the Big Whack, which is two all-“beef” (it’s actually rat) patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but instead of a sesame / non sesame bun, we’ll have a ricecake a la Mos Burger with a third ricecake in the middle. Plus a retro diner menu board, Thonet No. 18s and linoleum tables. Colour scheme is gonna be purple and orange and we’ll have purple/orange plaid vests and berets and purple harringtons and aprons with gold W’s on em. Whackdonnells. *off to register webdomain*

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Yes. I re-watched an 80s comedy and it changed my life forever.