How do I know that I’ve been in Australia for a bit? Well. when I read the spiel on a house for sale, I not only understand it, I know when to ignore it entirely. The following is a brief breakdown of the jargon that real estate agents use consistently to paint a nicer picture of the shithole they’re trying to dump on you.

  • Leafy Surrounds > It’s in the middle of nowhere
  • Urban Setting > Your neighbours are druggies/homeless
  • Quiet > It’s really in the middle of nowhere
  • Popular > It’s next to a pub
  • Quaint > It’s in a shit neighbourhood
  • Heritage Listed > It’s falling apart and you can’t renovate
  • Views > It’s got windows
  • Art Deco > It’s really old
  • Well Appointed > It’s got electricity hooked up
  • Contemporary > It’s painted black
  • Modern but Classic > They painted over something old
  • Superb Location > It’s next to the freeway
  • Architect Designed > So ugly the guy involved didn’t want his name on it
  • Manicured Gardens > It’s overrun by weeds
  • Within A Short Stroll / Stone’s Throw > 30 minute walk to the bus / train
  • Covered Parking > There’s a tree out the front
  • Near Great Restaurants > There’s a kebab shop open late
  • Eat in Kitchen > There’s no dining room
  • Leafy Outlook > There’s a tree blocking your view
  • Stunning Contemporary Design > It’s painted grey
  • European Appliances > Upcycled Former Soviet Era Electric Stove
  • Secure Parking > If you have a padlock
  • Close To Schools > A lot of speed bumps
  • Polished Timber Floor > Previous occupier spilled oil on the floor
  • Air Conditioning > There’s a few windows
  • Built Ins > Creaky cupboards infested with termites
  • Waterfront > It’s next to the sewage treatment facility
  • Split Level > Lots of stairs
  • Tropical Gardens > There’s a palm tree
  • Seamless / Open Plan Living > There’s no walls
  • Generous Bedroom > It just fits a standard size bed
  • Generous Living Room > It fits a two seat sofa
  • Modern Toilets > It’s a sit down toilet
  • Alarm System > The previous owner left the wind chime behind
  • Rare Opportunity > I really need to sell this]
  • Bright > No privacy
  • Private > No windows
  • Sleek > It’s got some stainless steel
  • North facing > The common corridor faces north
  • South facing > You’re not getting any light
  • Industrial > There’s a hole in the wall
  • Solid Timber > Termites
  • Well Orientated > It’s there
  • Ideal for Downsize > It’s tiny
  • Perfect For First Home Buyers > It’s fucking tiny
  • Sun Drenched > There’s a window
  • Intelligent > Someone drew a plan
  • Alfresco Entertaining > The dining room is outside
  • Flow > Lots of corridors
  • Federation > Really old
  • Stunning Period Features > The roof is falling off
  • Designer > They copied the IKEA catalogue
  • Soaring Ceilings > There’s no roof
  • Ornate Fireplace > The old sealed up fireplace is covered in cobwebs
  • Good Sized > Smaller than generous
  • Spacious > If you manage to put the bed in, you can also stand in the room
  • Chic > Leftover IKEA
  • Boutique > Really really really small
  • Genuine > It’s a bit gritty
  • Long Term Potential > No one will ever buy this
  • Short Term Potential > It’s haunted
  • Sought After > Pests
  • Gas Cooking > On a portable stove
  • Shared Laundry > Laundromat nearby
  • Peaceful > It’s not near anything
  • Immaculate > Dusty

I could go on but this was like a 5 minute gander at the biggest website. Just so you know what you’re getting. That quaint, well appointed apartment located at the rear of a boutique block of 4 with the sun drenched master bedroom and good sized study with seamless living is really not all that. It’s a one bedroom no dining no living no toilet no parking with a 30 minute walk to the carpark in the suburb with the highest murder rate and 1900s appliances. That’s assuming you managed to beat off the negatively geared Chinaman by 7 figures and remembered that you’ve got to pay stamp duty and loan insurance and hired the pest inspectors and the fire checks and then you learn it’s rat and termite infested and it’s better to demolish and rebuild so you go ahead except you’re told by council that it’s heritage listed and you’re down 7 figures plus strata fees to pay some outsourced non-English speaker to answer a phone. Happy house hunting!

Advertisements